“Warning, Journal contains allot of bad grammar & this journal is extremely long”
I don’t know what to say...
I can start by saying I am sorry for not posting any of the art work I promised. I have come to the conclusion in my life that I am suffering from depression. I have constantly been feeling like I shouldn't be here, 24/7 I have been feeling like the last five weeks have been my worst in a very long time. I have been ashamed of the people who I thought were my friends, my...Ex-girlfriend & also myself.
Every time I share my feelings about something bad on deviantart I always go on a rank because I was feeling upset or angry, but now as I'm about to reveal why I feel how I feel I can tell the world right now, I feel nothing.
On 08/03/09 (03/08/09 American date) my girlfriend phoned me at 10:30am after having a sleepover with our friends asking if I wanted to go and meet up with her. After the phone call I thought she just wanted to have some time together & see each other, so I brought with me some money & a small box of chocolates to try and be nice to her thinking I could take her out for a meal that night. When I met her at the local peer she looked very troubled & I thought she was just having one of tough’s kinds of bad days then I noticed there were two shadows being cast behind a recycling truck-like bin which I thought could be our friends hiding behind trying to scare me. Before I could ask about who was behind the bins my girlfriend came out with a question that I thought she would never say in a million years, she looked truly terrified & angry like I killed a human being in front of her. (Everyone's names have been blocked so there names won't be revealed) "Did you ever touch *****?” My whole body felt numb after toughs words, my almost felt like I couldn't breathe. I told her I didn't & I would never do that and I would rather saw my own leg off than touch one of my own friends in a sexual way. She kept on asking me the same question & I tried to repeat the same answer to her but I tried to walk away from her after telling her she truly doesn't know me at all if she was ever to consider me doing an act like her. As I walked away in the same direction of the bins, my thoughts of our friends behind the bins were true & the one who told my girlfriend I touched gave me the most hurtful facial expression I have ever received. It was like the two of them sneaked up behind me & stabbed me in the back with a very large knife. My girlfriend caught up with me including the two & tried to explain herself to me while the friend who claimed I touched switched her mask from "evil grin" to "shocked & frightened" and tried to tell me I did & told me to remember. I can safely swear on my grandfather's grave I have ever even lifting a finger to her in my life except times where I hugged her like a friend or hugged her after she felt upset, all the while I kept on asking her when was this moment preformed & she only told me I would know because I did to it. Even after five times of asking her she never told me, you would think she would say if you truly didn't know. After the fight my girlfriend said the words I thought she would never she "I think we need a break" but not only that but it was in front of the two like they bought tickets to see her break up with me. In the end as I walked away I could hear them telling my...ex "Oh ********, you were so brave. I could never have done that." I felt like I could reach in the glass recycle bin & pick up the sharpest piece and stab the two liars backs like they did to me & send them back to hell. I felt broken even now I still feel it.
The next day at school was the longest time there in my life; I had to skip my classes that had her in them & also one of the liar's classes because we used to sit together. After school my ex caught up with me while I was walking home & she wanted to talk. At that moment I just wanted to ignore her & run off but my stayed & listened to her. In the end she believed I was speaking the truth the whole time & they were the ones who were lying but she still wants to be friends with them because of personal reasons I can't reveal & I excepted that but still she wants us to have a break, not because of what happened but because in truth our relationship wasn't been great anyway. So we left it at that.
The thing is now. I'm alone. At the academy sure I have friends but only classmates & not proper friends but none as in I can talk to and share how I feel to them. Sure I do have one but she only comes to school & heads back to her home which is over 15 miles away over the hills. But now allot of my friends have now left me to go on one of the liar's side because they've own her longer than me. So when I say no one, I mean no one.
Even though my ex still wants to be my friend, I can't properly face her anymore because my heart is still feeling the same way about her & I hate myself for that. But it's not just that that is getting at me about her, when we talked after school she told me everything that happened with the two but also she told me her secrets she was keeping from me that she did, one of the secrets was how she told I was a FA (Fat Admirer : Someone who likes the opposite sex a bit larger than normal) but the way she said it to them I can believe they think I'm a "feeder" (someone who feeds/force-feeds their partner to become larger), after tell me think I now noticed they had knew about this for a long time by making comments to me like how they were going to watch the horror & anti-Feeder movie : "Feed" and how I don't like anything that was skinny. At that point in time I didn't think it was anything but now I know the truth. To toughs who didn't know about myself being a FA, the truth is you could compare me to being bisexual but instead of liking both sexes, I like both thin and bigger women so in a way you could say I'm...”Half FA ?" which explains why I was going out with a girl who was not big, large or chubby. Anyway back to the point after she told me this I told her I will not ever forgive her for telling them my secret. Sure now I'm going to be open about it but I will not ever forgive her but I still trust her. But now I feel like I can't talk to her at all anymore. To be honest I know now it's not just a break now, it's a proper breaking up thing & now I'm singer. Also to tell the truth I've been telling her I've been hanging out with my other friends after school but the truth is there just my classmates like I said before & if she is reading I want to say I'm sorry for typing this all down on the journal but I don't know what over way I can put it anymore. I'm sorry.

Also back onto the two liars, just to get the b*tching out of the way I'm just going to tell you what they are like & they try & complain to me about writing about them on the net then they can kiss my balls because I blocked their names so they should be grateful that I'm not telling the world who they are.
The first one I would like to talk about is the person who pretends to be the victim. Threw out the time I've own her she told us about her past & you could say right away like I did you would feel sorry for her, but after her lie I have only one name I ever want to call her by one name for now on : "Liar". If you’re thinking why I would call her that & if it’s just that lie I’m referring to by calling her that then I’m going to tell you right now because you know, for someone who claimed to have been raped when she was younger, being stalked at school, nearly became anorexic at a young age, her house is haunted, she sees the ghosts in her house & they hurt her in her sleep with marks. Could you really believe anything that comes out of her mouth? Also even though she isn’t mental ill or needs help, she acts like a child with the other liar at school, reacting moments from TV shows like The Mighty Boosh, IT Crowd & videos from the net, at first (I’m not the only one who thinks this) I thought she was just being random but after a while, I figured she is just one truly sad little girl who only seeks out for people to notice her & to think in the old days, she would of been sent to the Looney house when she told people her tales. Like I said before about but with my ex, with the liar is reading this right now, then you better sort your life out because that is truly no way of making friends & I was a big fool to believe every word you said. Also another little factoid about her & also the other one with if it worked, I would have reported them to the police. There was a day were before I came over to see them after they had a sleep over one day, they were planning to place a video camera in their front room to spy on me to try & show evidence to my ex that I was in the wrong, heck for a quarter of the time one of them actually pretended to be asleep to try & see if I would do anything to her. To be completely honest I believe they actually did carry out their plan (this was told by my ex at the same time as the whole FA thing) but I won’t contact the police now because for a start a do not have the tape/cd and also it’s too late to tell now. Oh & the other one, well...she’s just a witch who hides tarot cards from her parents & makes your friends go against you.

Oh well sadly in these five weeks I have learnt I have learnt a life lesson about people you can trust & now to be honest, they have destroyed my trust in people. They were like sisters to me & then without a sign to warn me they stab me in the back. It just makes you think “who CAN you trust?”
At night now allot of the time I can’t sleep because I keep on thinking about what would happen if I lost anymore friends & it makes me feel lifeless inside, like my heart is gone. All of the five weeks problems are like a big ball of hatred I tried to carry, but it collapsed on me.

To get to the point of the reason I’m writing right now is to tell everyone I am leaving deviantart & I don’t know when I’m coming back. I’m only continuing going on to dA to check comments, notes, journals, & pictures n’ that’s it. I am sorry to say but all the drawings I have promised everyone will not be posted up. I will come back to dA when I can safely say I feel allot better & I’m ready to continue but for now, I am quitting drawing manga & on my story for on so I can get things sorted. Thank you for understanding. If you really need to contact me, please use my msn address to chat but for the now, I bit you all fare well.